fairy tales & flower petals

Once upon a time a young girl went on a journey to a faraway land, accompanied by her trusty steed.

On this journey the girl saw the ruins of her former kingdom.  Because before once upon a time, this girl was a princess.  And the kingdom was full of light, and colors, and songs.  It wasn't perfect, but it was beautiful.

As the girl sat in the middle of the ruins she remembered all of this.  And simply wondered what more there was to do in this place.

Hi.  I'm the girl in this melodramatic story.

The trusty steed is my dog.

I went on a journey to the playground in my backyard.

The kingdom is my childhood.

Way back, back when the smell of really great cologne meant that dad was getting ready for a date with mom.

When I was brave enough to propose marriage to some kid in preschool after he stole my crayons.

Candy didn't come with a side order of guilt, and love wasn't a game of strategy.

Back when I actually thought I'd fall into space if i went over the railing in that walkway at the dinosaur museum.

And I didn't have to worry about social media or texting.  My best friends were the kids in the neighborhood (the one I was in before I moved here), the disney princesses, and my brother.

I would watch movies on VHS tapes (I still refuse to watch disney princess movies on anything else at my house), and then play all day.  Because conveniently, my brother always wanted to be the hero, and I always wanted to be the princess in need of saving.  And we both always wanted to play.

And now I'm just sitting here in my backyard, wondering when all of this changed.  Because I definitely didn't see it happen.

Life is good, but it's complicated.  And it's only going to get harder.

So it's times like these I wish I was in Joy School again.  And all I can do is sit here and pull the petals off of a flower.  And wonder if he loves me or loves me not.  Not even he.  Just life. I don't think that makes sense, but that's okay.

I'm okay.

I won't always be, but I am now.

And I'll take heart in that, because someday I'll probably wish I was seventeen again.

(I never did find out if he loves me or loves me not.  My dog attacked me and the flower in the middle of it.)

LISTEN. I'M TALKING NOW.

My life.  What is so hard to understand about that.  You say it out loud, but you obviously don't know what it means.

Because you don't give me freedom to live it.

There are two words in there.

My:  Me.  One person.  With agency.

Life:  All of the experiences that happen uniquely to that one person.

You hurt me.

YOU.  HURT.  ME.

I don't remember the last time you gave me a compliment that didn't end with "but..." or "if you just..."

I just remember when you didn't listen.

Sometimes you hear, but you NEVER LISTEN.

Do you know what it means to listen?

It doesn't mean you belittle my opinions.

It doesn't mean your comfort comes before my own.

I hate hats.

I hate colored jeans.

I hate your stupid manila folders you always force on me.

I hate that you're leaving me for so long.  Again.

I don't hate you, but I can't do it anymore.  You ask why I'm angry, and maybe if you listened you would understand why.

Because we both know "I'm fine." is the biggest lie I ever told.

Because I try to tell you.  I feel like you're behind your own little glass wall.  You only let the things you want in.

Apparently you don't want me.

I love you so much that it hurts.  But lately that's all it does.  I don't feel safe outside of my own room now.  That why I spend so much time in there.

I can't hurt you in here, and you can't hurt me.

I don't know.  Maybe your absence will do me good.  Good being relative, of course.

I just don't know.

IloveyouLeavemealoneHearmeLovemeListen.

The greatest thing.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

I guess we all really want that in the end.  From friends, family, that special someone we both hate&love (because you can say you don't have someone like that in your life, but it's probably a lie).

Love is validation.  People can feel however they want about others, as long as those others love them.

I love love.  It's probably going to be in this blog more than you want to read about.  C'est la vie.

Anyways.  Backstory:  A lot of my friends have blogs, and until recently I haven't had the time to read them.  But this weekend I took the time to sit down and look at them.  I really loved them.  So I started writing, and I felt better than I have in a long time.  So here I go with a blog.  Might be awful, might be great.  

But it'll be me.  And that'll be good.  

:)

Come what may.